friday the thirteenth of june two thousand eight

wow. what an insane day. so many ups and downs, it's just crazy really.
so last nite, i helped miraj on his data powerpoint, cuz iunno.. honestly i really want him to pass. i was working on it.. but then i fell asleep around 3.. D: sorry miraj. that was honestly my bad. but i woke up at around 6:45ish and finished it. it wasn't that bad of a presentation :) good job miraj.
then... later on, i had work from 1-5. four hour shift wasn't that bad.. though it was incredibly boring, i had no selling initiative.. and i honestly didn't really care anymore! sighz* i already handed in my resignation letter... so yea! haha
i meet my brother right afterwards and we do some shopping until like 6:30ish.. and i was like shit! i need to get home so doug can come pick me up. haha. so i go home, and my brother got this package that he ordered online. it was 4 graphic tees.. and ZOMG. so CUTE! haha so i wore one.. (it was dark blue with a pink bar of soap on it saying "rub me on your butt!" ) laughs* that was such a cute shirt.
Anyways, so doug comes and it's like ... 4 ppl in the back >_> two guys, two girls. and we're ... medium sized you can say. so it was all cramped and stuff haha. but we get to fmp safely for elison's bday dinner. there was like 20 ppl... and more i think. haha it was so awkward for dinner.. cuz i didn't know anyone else besides Delros and Chester (at my table at least) Doug and Steff went over to the other side D: boooo... rofl but yea. after dinner i felt so awkward i just wanted to leave and go to natalie's party. i called calvun and stuff.. and he said that he could come get me... but then everyone was leaving to go to focus! so i was like.. ARGHHHHH and made up my mind and went to focus with everyone else. haha
THANKFULLYYYY.... kevin luck went =') haha we both didn really know chinese that well so we sat besides each other and i think i got to know him a lot btr than before. he's prettyy good at playing rubix cube. the way he spins that stupid square is amazing. rofl. seriously, he does not fail to amaze me XDD lmaoooo. but yars, i made some new FOB friends at focus! yay for fob friends cuz honestlyyy.. i love fobby people. haha. they have a funky but appealing style and they're just so fun to be around. they insult you but in a joking way (at least they don't call me slut >_>) but yea.
so ppl i got to know btr: jackie, kevin.
ppl i met: monica, flora, pakhin, jackie, eugene... and other ppl. ROFL. i dun remember
but there was quite a lot of ppl there: alice, korean dude, korean dude's gf, doug, andrew, richard, janice, chester, tylor, elison (clearly), samuel, delros, and all the ppl above.
haha sitting was hard, there were not enough seats @_@ but yea, i learned that samuel has a really really good voice. haha it was fun watching him sing passionately x]]] sing k was pretty jokes, as obviously, we played the dare game. though.. some dares were really really bad. like they made people point out the ugliest person in the room.. and then do something to them. and it was so OBVIOUS that it was really mean. like.. it's one thing to be havin fun but to involve innocent ppl with ur dares is kinda mean. like they hit andrew on the face and i was like.. wtf. i didn know it until it happened. and honestly my reaction is >:( wth! i know he wasn't playing the dare game or anything like tht.. but SERIOUSLY. that's rude and mean. eventually andrew and richard just left, cuz frig, exclusion was so obvious. chester and i talked later and chester said to me "they didn't come join the game" but honestly, just cuz they didn join the game.. it doesn't mean they didn't want to have fun, it's not like they wanted to be excluded and then bullied on. you still gota be considerate of their feelings. they're NOT self-centred if they don't wnat to "have fun" with us. sighz* i dunno how to explain. but i know, if i was them. i would leave right away too. okok. talk about something else la.
so then, around 12:30ish, my brother calls and tells me they have now picked up auntie and uncle from the airport. so i was like ok i will meet you guys at the hotel. iunno.. but ok. for some reason like a period of time before i left, i was talking to eugene and jacki.. just like fooling around and havin a good time. and then after tht, chester didn really talk to me or something like that.. and i was lke.. wth. but then i had to go, so it went something like this:
me: i gota go la. i have to find the hotel. i don't know where it is.
him: oh. i'll walk you
me: but i duno where it is
him: ask someone lor.
^ or something like that ROFL. i can't remember clearly but he left with me.. and it was raining already then, and both of us were in our t-shirts. we asked around but ppl didn really know. so i called my mom and she told me where and it was just down the street. so we cross the street and i ask chester if he's ok cuz shirts were getting soaked and cold here ><'' and he said yes. haha i go "really??" him: "it's really obvious it's not ok" lmao. stupid chester. i told him to go back cuz we were still close, but he said he was gonna walk me all the way there. so we get there, and we're almost all wet ><'' argh. and then he walked back. and i waited there for a long time... i called bryan, and then miraj calls, and so i join their calls and we're kind of chatting.. not really i didn get wat was going on and i got annoyed cuz miraj was like.. tell her, not tell her. and i was like I DON"T GET ITTT.. >_>'' then chester txted and was like "if anything happens, call doug or me" =') such an awesome best friend. hahaha. ok. so i wait and wait... like half an hour in front of the hotel waiting for the car. i got wet :( and yars. then afterwards, my brother and i drop by bbt, and then go to fmp to join my aunt and uncle and my mom. who for some random reason was hungry so we were all eatting there and stuff. haha and then i had like a bad headache and stuff... ng ng. and then yea..
bryan and i had this talk. a really long serious talk about where we are now... what' going on and stuff. he told me that he really really like me.. and that he was falling in love with me. and honestly after that moment ... i felt horrible. because i couldn't return to him the same feelings. we have drifted so apart, so distant. i can't remember how many times i wanted to see him at school.. but then he was nvr there. and he always had a reason. so i started to get used to being disappointed.. tho i still do get disappointed, i put the feelings away. i won't complain cuz i know he's busy. i'm an understanding person? rofl. but now it's gotten to the point where i feel like i don't care as much anymore.. the feelings are fading and going and that's the truth. at times, for some reason i rather hang out with ppl bsides him, cuz in a way, i know they won't disappoint me. they would be there.. you know? and now he suddenly tells me he's falling in love with me. how am i suppose to act? what am i suppose to say? at the beginning he told me that "i don't think we're at that love stage yet" so i changed my perspective on the relationship. and to be honest, i really wanted to go into a relationship where there is love involved. where i would feel at the beginning that "this is love" and not just "liking someone." i know that there are relationships where they both grow to love. but after all the things that happened btwn me and him. i feel afraid to try anymore. cuz i'm just gonna get disappointed again, and honestly, things are different. it got to the point where we didn't even talk on the phone anymore. so we decided to do our best until he comes back from hong kong. and then we would talk again then. he told me i was his top priority but that he jus nvr said anything before.. i duno what to say, cuz i didn feel that way to him. i don't understand what's making him "fall in love" with me. i asked him.. "do you think u're falling in love with me because i'm drifting away from you and you don't want to let go? " it's kinda like "can't have what you want" kind of thing and when you know you once had it.. you want it more badly? iunno. but he also said to me.. "if you want to breakup. tell me okay? don't not tell me because you don't want to hurt me" the thing is... knowing me, i can't bear to hurt him anymore. i can't stand hurting anyone. i rather hurt myself than him. and then.. i also told him the truth. i was slipping away... and i didn't know if i was falling for someone else. cuz someone else atm is making me confused, and i duno if it is because me and that person are best friend or am i slowly falling for him? but i alrady told myself. best friends is what i'm keeping it at. i know tht's what i want. i told him all tht. cuz.. i believe tht he needs to know. i didn really tell anyone else but him. so only me and him knows.. sighz* iunno anymore. he says he will do his best to try to see me more and spend time with me. but at the same time, i'm so afraid you know? the more memories we create, the more painful it will be... cuz i feel like we're not gonna last forever. we can't go back to those moments we had but i don't want to end it without trying. i'm still very afraid. and my heart is tired. very tired.

mico calls me, all drunkard and stuff.. and i told him i'd call him back since chang was still on the phone with me. i called back like 5 mins later, and he had fallen asleep. haha. stupid mico. i wonder what he wanted to talk about. when he's drunk... he's said some stuff >_>'' yars. so i went to sleep too.. and then for some gay reason i woke up at 6:50ish. and i slept at 3ish. so i'm really really tired atm. and this post is taking forever for me to write. but i'm done. good day