title-less

why? because there is nothing i can say anymore. i'm already in uni and it just feels like nothing has really changed... but in fact so much has happened. ive felt joy but ive felt so much pain too. it just issometimes really unbearable. ive picked up a new bad habit: smoking.. it's my new stress reliever, but my lungs unfortunately are dying.... 

but i guess the reason why i smoke is more important. 

people in my life can make me so happy or make me so sad.... but they all mean a lot to me so i guess i really shouldn't be weakened by something that happens right? or else i'll just be another girl that just gets all emotional and shit. and i dont want it to be like that. i need to be stronger, cuz if i'm weak, i wont be able to help anyone at all right? so.. cant give up

iunno what else is going on.. just... i hope things will clear up soon

a blue sky in this winter weather would really help! haha

i miss summer. 

come bak sun D: 

rant

ROAR ROAR ROAR! just gota rant rant rant..
im so aggravated at the moment that i just gota let everything out.

i don't get it. i don't get how come andrew can affect me so much. the fact that he doesn't talk to me anymore ... but to my best friends (ing and trai) .. like wth. i don't get it. we used to be so close, and now he talks to everyone but me. ugh. wat the fuck guy. whatever..
and karson didn't call today at all. for the first time in DAYS... not a single phone call. so i got annoyed and just shut off my phone.... sighz*

arggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and wow looking back on my previous posts.
ROFL. mad mood swings.. i would think at least :)

dreams

i think.. i haven't had a dream about "this" in a long time...
but it all returns back to markville mall & the markville frnds
so.. for some reason in my dream i was job searching and i had an interview at Bulk Barns. well i do go to bulk barn often, so it seems to make sense. but before the interview, i was (for some unknown reason to me now) hanging out tlkin to doug and chester *i think* i'm sitting here right now and i simply cannot recall their faces, just that there were two boys. then suddenly my phone rings, and when i pick it up it's andrew calling. and i havn't heard his voice in a long time, so i was pretty surprised. and he was just telling me about how someone and something... about me and my ex, someone lying to him about something. i dun remember. but yeaa.. and i was like wuh? and annoyed that someone was lying to him.
but regardless.. i was happy that me and him were talkin again.
fact is: we're not talkin in real life. T_T it's sad. and it bothers me. but it's more like.. he doesn't want to talk to him. so i'm not gonna do anything to make it awkward... =/ sighz*

i really really miss you
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
sighz*

i dreamt about you.
holding hands like nothing ever happened.
i don't regret my decision.
but regardless...
i miss you

i'm falling apart.

ugh. it just pisses me off. knowing that i can not be at the place i want to be the most at the moment. i hate being stuck here in this place, living here just rotting away. my bitter resentment just seems to grow as the hours pass by. the fact that i am already ditched, already alone. my best friends gone... all overseas and away. nothing can seem to distract me long from this annoying sadness. even before they left physically, i've already began to shrink away from them. things changed too fast. i seem to naturally step back and raise my defenses, cuz i don't want to hurt anymore. i am tired from having to realize and acknowledge the fact that things are not the same anymore. and now i've become more bitter as to realize that where i want to go the most, is the place i will not be able to reach at all. i'm incredibly jealous and this resentment does seem to grow.
i disgust me. ugh.
frig.

i had my smoke today :)

all is well >: D

haha fuck!
got a fever. shit.

friday the thirteenth of june two thousand eight

wow. what an insane day. so many ups and downs, it's just crazy really.
so last nite, i helped miraj on his data powerpoint, cuz iunno.. honestly i really want him to pass. i was working on it.. but then i fell asleep around 3.. D: sorry miraj. that was honestly my bad. but i woke up at around 6:45ish and finished it. it wasn't that bad of a presentation :) good job miraj.
then... later on, i had work from 1-5. four hour shift wasn't that bad.. though it was incredibly boring, i had no selling initiative.. and i honestly didn't really care anymore! sighz* i already handed in my resignation letter... so yea! haha
i meet my brother right afterwards and we do some shopping until like 6:30ish.. and i was like shit! i need to get home so doug can come pick me up. haha. so i go home, and my brother got this package that he ordered online. it was 4 graphic tees.. and ZOMG. so CUTE! haha so i wore one.. (it was dark blue with a pink bar of soap on it saying "rub me on your butt!" ) laughs* that was such a cute shirt.
Anyways, so doug comes and it's like ... 4 ppl in the back >_> two guys, two girls. and we're ... medium sized you can say. so it was all cramped and stuff haha. but we get to fmp safely for elison's bday dinner. there was like 20 ppl... and more i think. haha it was so awkward for dinner.. cuz i didn't know anyone else besides Delros and Chester (at my table at least) Doug and Steff went over to the other side D: boooo... rofl but yea. after dinner i felt so awkward i just wanted to leave and go to natalie's party. i called calvun and stuff.. and he said that he could come get me... but then everyone was leaving to go to focus! so i was like.. ARGHHHHH and made up my mind and went to focus with everyone else. haha
THANKFULLYYYY.... kevin luck went =') haha we both didn really know chinese that well so we sat besides each other and i think i got to know him a lot btr than before. he's prettyy good at playing rubix cube. the way he spins that stupid square is amazing. rofl. seriously, he does not fail to amaze me XDD lmaoooo. but yars, i made some new FOB friends at focus! yay for fob friends cuz honestlyyy.. i love fobby people. haha. they have a funky but appealing style and they're just so fun to be around. they insult you but in a joking way (at least they don't call me slut >_>) but yea.
so ppl i got to know btr: jackie, kevin.
ppl i met: monica, flora, pakhin, jackie, eugene... and other ppl. ROFL. i dun remember
but there was quite a lot of ppl there: alice, korean dude, korean dude's gf, doug, andrew, richard, janice, chester, tylor, elison (clearly), samuel, delros, and all the ppl above.
haha sitting was hard, there were not enough seats @_@ but yea, i learned that samuel has a really really good voice. haha it was fun watching him sing passionately x]]] sing k was pretty jokes, as obviously, we played the dare game. though.. some dares were really really bad. like they made people point out the ugliest person in the room.. and then do something to them. and it was so OBVIOUS that it was really mean. like.. it's one thing to be havin fun but to involve innocent ppl with ur dares is kinda mean. like they hit andrew on the face and i was like.. wtf. i didn know it until it happened. and honestly my reaction is >:( wth! i know he wasn't playing the dare game or anything like tht.. but SERIOUSLY. that's rude and mean. eventually andrew and richard just left, cuz frig, exclusion was so obvious. chester and i talked later and chester said to me "they didn't come join the game" but honestly, just cuz they didn join the game.. it doesn't mean they didn't want to have fun, it's not like they wanted to be excluded and then bullied on. you still gota be considerate of their feelings. they're NOT self-centred if they don't wnat to "have fun" with us. sighz* i dunno how to explain. but i know, if i was them. i would leave right away too. okok. talk about something else la.
so then, around 12:30ish, my brother calls and tells me they have now picked up auntie and uncle from the airport. so i was like ok i will meet you guys at the hotel. iunno.. but ok. for some reason like a period of time before i left, i was talking to eugene and jacki.. just like fooling around and havin a good time. and then after tht, chester didn really talk to me or something like that.. and i was lke.. wth. but then i had to go, so it went something like this:
me: i gota go la. i have to find the hotel. i don't know where it is.
him: oh. i'll walk you
me: but i duno where it is
him: ask someone lor.
^ or something like that ROFL. i can't remember clearly but he left with me.. and it was raining already then, and both of us were in our t-shirts. we asked around but ppl didn really know. so i called my mom and she told me where and it was just down the street. so we cross the street and i ask chester if he's ok cuz shirts were getting soaked and cold here ><'' and he said yes. haha i go "really??" him: "it's really obvious it's not ok" lmao. stupid chester. i told him to go back cuz we were still close, but he said he was gonna walk me all the way there. so we get there, and we're almost all wet ><'' argh. and then he walked back. and i waited there for a long time... i called bryan, and then miraj calls, and so i join their calls and we're kind of chatting.. not really i didn get wat was going on and i got annoyed cuz miraj was like.. tell her, not tell her. and i was like I DON"T GET ITTT.. >_>'' then chester txted and was like "if anything happens, call doug or me" =') such an awesome best friend. hahaha. ok. so i wait and wait... like half an hour in front of the hotel waiting for the car. i got wet :( and yars. then afterwards, my brother and i drop by bbt, and then go to fmp to join my aunt and uncle and my mom. who for some random reason was hungry so we were all eatting there and stuff. haha and then i had like a bad headache and stuff... ng ng. and then yea..
bryan and i had this talk. a really long serious talk about where we are now... what' going on and stuff. he told me that he really really like me.. and that he was falling in love with me. and honestly after that moment ... i felt horrible. because i couldn't return to him the same feelings. we have drifted so apart, so distant. i can't remember how many times i wanted to see him at school.. but then he was nvr there. and he always had a reason. so i started to get used to being disappointed.. tho i still do get disappointed, i put the feelings away. i won't complain cuz i know he's busy. i'm an understanding person? rofl. but now it's gotten to the point where i feel like i don't care as much anymore.. the feelings are fading and going and that's the truth. at times, for some reason i rather hang out with ppl bsides him, cuz in a way, i know they won't disappoint me. they would be there.. you know? and now he suddenly tells me he's falling in love with me. how am i suppose to act? what am i suppose to say? at the beginning he told me that "i don't think we're at that love stage yet" so i changed my perspective on the relationship. and to be honest, i really wanted to go into a relationship where there is love involved. where i would feel at the beginning that "this is love" and not just "liking someone." i know that there are relationships where they both grow to love. but after all the things that happened btwn me and him. i feel afraid to try anymore. cuz i'm just gonna get disappointed again, and honestly, things are different. it got to the point where we didn't even talk on the phone anymore. so we decided to do our best until he comes back from hong kong. and then we would talk again then. he told me i was his top priority but that he jus nvr said anything before.. i duno what to say, cuz i didn feel that way to him. i don't understand what's making him "fall in love" with me. i asked him.. "do you think u're falling in love with me because i'm drifting away from you and you don't want to let go? " it's kinda like "can't have what you want" kind of thing and when you know you once had it.. you want it more badly? iunno. but he also said to me.. "if you want to breakup. tell me okay? don't not tell me because you don't want to hurt me" the thing is... knowing me, i can't bear to hurt him anymore. i can't stand hurting anyone. i rather hurt myself than him. and then.. i also told him the truth. i was slipping away... and i didn't know if i was falling for someone else. cuz someone else atm is making me confused, and i duno if it is because me and that person are best friend or am i slowly falling for him? but i alrady told myself. best friends is what i'm keeping it at. i know tht's what i want. i told him all tht. cuz.. i believe tht he needs to know. i didn really tell anyone else but him. so only me and him knows.. sighz* iunno anymore. he says he will do his best to try to see me more and spend time with me. but at the same time, i'm so afraid you know? the more memories we create, the more painful it will be... cuz i feel like we're not gonna last forever. we can't go back to those moments we had but i don't want to end it without trying. i'm still very afraid. and my heart is tired. very tired.

mico calls me, all drunkard and stuff.. and i told him i'd call him back since chang was still on the phone with me. i called back like 5 mins later, and he had fallen asleep. haha. stupid mico. i wonder what he wanted to talk about. when he's drunk... he's said some stuff >_>'' yars. so i went to sleep too.. and then for some gay reason i woke up at 6:50ish. and i slept at 3ish. so i'm really really tired atm. and this post is taking forever for me to write. but i'm done. good day

today i handed in my resignation letter for work.
i'm fucking done with it.
2 more weeks and it's done.
everything will be fucking done.







also... i'm starting to slowly realize..
just how lonely i am and how fake this world is.
set me free.
just set me fucking free...

p.s. where the hell are my smokes?

fact:

i am alone

memories

tonite was one of the most memorable nights with my two best friends.
really gotta thank chester and doug for spending time with such a fool like me
tonite, we went for ice cream dessert at Demitri's (i probably spelt the name wrong)
but it's an amazing ice cream store with many cool flavors and toppings XD
and many pretty cakes too ~ s2
after tht we went to the park near my house and just spent time together
fooling around with tons of hugs and biting ppl haha
i actually drank a smirnoff and was a bit tipsy... ROFL damn im an alchy
anyways it was a damn memorable nite.
s2 thanks guys
i gonna miss you a lot when you guys go to hk
love you bffs

last night

for some reason, last night i decided to walk home after dinner
it was dark.. so it was pretty scary (and cold actually)
i was feeling kinda down but people didn seem to really notice
doug asked but iunno i had no answers for him..
in a way i can't believe he actually let me walk home ALONE.
but then again i asked to walk home...
haha oh well. doens't really matter
today feels like a residue of yesterday
the emotions are still around and it's still kind of messy
feeling kinda down still and i just don't want to sit at home
and mellow in this house of mine.
oh well. doesn't matter
i dun wana care anymore.
good day

the ones i love

over the course of the year, i've come to realize several things. one of them.. i think must be who i truly love in life, and those who will just be there forever. so... just want to tell them how i feel, though they will never read this.. but i just want to say it all out anyways :)

LOVED:
xMom&Dad - the two people in my life that love and care for me most. always praying for me and just for listening and giving me advice. i honestly can't thank them enough for everything they have to put up with... especially when dealing with such a troublesome person like me. i love you most in the world... so thank you s2

xLinus - my one and only blood brother in this world. he's taught me so much and he is the one of the biggest influence in my life. because of him i've come to understand and grow so much more. our brother-sister relationship is special since we can both talk to each other maturely. he takes care of me in an indirect way (driving me and picking me up and buying food for me... haha lots more random small things) i love him a lot a lot a lot... he's the best brother i have. thanks linus

xCalvun - my jun jing kai goh... (cuz my mom ying kui kai jai) *laughs* we love each other more than we know... even though we dont see each other often or talk a lot.. we know that we love each other all the time. when we actually see each other.. to me there is this joy in my heart. haha makes me smile and happy everytime. i love our tight hugs and the fact tht we know our feelings of love without actually saying anything. we're kai goh and kai mui for a lifetime.. guaranteed s2

xDouglas - my other kai goh *my best friend* haha doug and i.. i think we understand each other the best cuz we think alike and haha dudeeeee, our childhood has all the same stuff happening XD it's pretty jokes. i love our "sitting in the car" talks.. and the 6 hr phone talk we had... and starring up at the night sky pointing out the stars. he's one of the many people out there that i must say.. he's honestly one of a kind (to me at least). anytime i'm down, he'll hear me out and give me advice. haha i loved it when he said to me "this is one best friend you will never lose" TT_TT oh doug. u're the best. (i'm pretty sure that is what he said.. unless my memory is wrong) *laughs* but yea. *hugs* love you doug!!!!!

xShine (miraj) - idunno why really.. that u're on this list. but i realized that you ARE one of the many people that i love in my life. not much to say.. haha our random phone talks and you dropping by my place one day. love you buddie! that's all i have to say.

xDorian (loklok) - i love youu my bestestest frnd of my life. i know it's wierd cuz we never get to see each other at all.. (you living in Alberta and all that) but somehow, no matter what, our love for each other always find a way thru to each other. i love you sooo much. do you know that? i feel like.. our hearts are tied together for a lifetime, and you know what? i'm never ever letting you go... EVER <3>

xShala - haha my wifey :) i love you so much. even tho we don't see each other or talk anymore.. i still love you a lot. all those times we had and all those memories and the tears that fall.. can't even forget those hardships we went thru.. i miss you a lot, i really do. but i know that no matter what. i'm never forgetting you. you will always have a place in my heart forever and ever. thank you shala. for teaching me to be me, for teaching me to love life so much more, and honestly, thank God for letting me meet you. i really really love you *hugs*

FOREVER&CLOSE ONES:

xChester - haha chester lam you are my man XD haha. duno how it happened but u're my best friend and the one i'm closest to at the moment. u're the one i talk to almost every and just not even talkin for a day.. it feels like a long time haha. it's wierd but i'm glad that you're there for me to talk to me. makes me realize and understand my problems better. u're a lot more mature than most people i know and for that i'm really appreciative of you. thanks for walking me thru the small things in life so far. you are one of the best :) i hope we talk and stay frnds in university~! rawr rawr rawr. haha

xIngrid&Trai - 3CL forever! haha we're gonna be frnds for a long long long time i bet. since ingrid and i are going to waterloo and trai is going to laurier.. and for sure, i know we are going to party together. there will be many chill moments and good times. i'm pretty sure we've been thru small rough patches but we always manage to get our way thru them no matter what, cuz i guess all three of us realize that this friendship is made to last.. guaranteed ;) haha. i love you smexy ladies. thanks for being there to listen and for all the advice and time you give me. you guys are the best of best friends <3>

xMicoYan - haha hmm dunno what to say really.. but just that we always have these moments and i guess they make up the relationship that we have. you are my BFF, and i tell you so much shit that happens in my life. though they are not always a "big" thing, you still listen anyways. comforting me and just hearing me out. i hope that we can still talk in uni, and i hope that you open up to me whenever there are problems... cuz you're here for me, and i wana be there for you too. haha. thanks for so many good times. love you~! <3

xPheebe - my childhood frnd of a lifetime~! haha i love how we spend almost every day of the school year seeing each other, and yet we never really seem to get sick of each other at all. we live on the same street, our houses have the same design, and haha i love the fact how people sometimes randomly think we are sisters. i think if we do tell people we are sisters, they will believe it. ROFL. that'd be pretty jokes, we'd have to try that some day XD *laughs* i love you phoebe <33>

THE GOOD ONES:

xNick - haha hmm i think you are the only one on this list.. and the only guy from church on this whole post at all. but i feel really really thankful that we can talk about our lives and just share them with each other. haha when i talk to you, i feel like i can connect with you spiritually and i really like that. to be able to share my problems with a brother in christ, it feels amazing cuz i know i can fully trust you and my worries about trusting people seem to go away when i just open up :) ahaha it's a cool feeling. but yarss, i hope we really really really still talkk in university. like we'll meet up for dinner or lunch or something and just chill and talk. it'd be super duper nice XD