feb 16th

first off: happy birthday brian chen! :)

so today i got to see bryan chang and he drove himself! :O finally. lmao why couldn't he drive when we were going out?! lmao just joking :) but it was really really nice to see him again. and yay! we are friends again. it's always strange how me and him work... it never fails to confuse me and at times, hurt my heart.

buutttt anyways, the surprise party for brian's bday wasn't really surprise-ful but whatever, i tried you know? im not his best friend or close friend at that, but i just wanted him to have a happy birthday with his friends, cuz he told me before he didnt really celebrate his birthday much. anddd we tried to surprise jon chik too.. duno if that worked out >_>'' but yea.
one thing im glad is that during dinner, it wasn't awkward between bear and i. we didn really talk much at all, but if we did speak, we did our best to make it friendly :) yay to that.

then we went to pool, and shit happend and my mood went BLEH.. like i wanted to smoke, drink.. iunno talk to someone, i just wanted to do something to get myself away from feeling lke this. i ended up calling bryan le, but he was busy at ken's house and he said he would find me later. when we were leaving, he still wasn't here so i just called him and told him not to come.. which makes sense you know? then after dropping roni and ingrid off, i drove around aimlessly for a good .. 10 minutes? ROFL. iuno. but yea, i didnt want to go home, but i had nowhere else to go. which was kinda stupid of me, cuz i was just completely wasting gas. i got home feeling like shit, and then bryan calls me and haha, he was outside my house. he came in and we talked for a bit. honestly... i love my friends some times, he was worried and he drove all the way to see me. i really love that and for that i'm truly thankful to know someone cares about me to drop what their doing to see if i'm okay. that's what a true friend is. so thank you bryan :) you will always forever be one of my closest friends! brulk and vivzilla FTW! haha. i feel much better now, and im very sleepy and tired >3< sooo imma snooze! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

feb15th 2009.

wow, things just brightened up. haha i dont feel as shit anymore and i honestly have my friends to thank for :)

so i finally watched the movie coraline! :) it was very awesome i must say, and i must thank nick for going out with me to watch it. before bear and i were gonna go watch it together.. but seeing how it wasn't going to happen. i watched it with one of my closest friends :D nick, u're a sweetheart, thanks for watching the movie with me!

afterwards, i got to hang out with the pot boys ! haha i missed you guys alot. we had some pretty chill times in the summer. so it was me, barry, mark, and kwok. kwok was having a shit day, so i guess they were all just chilling and decided to call up people and they wanted to call the girls, but only i showed so yay for that ROFL. (i don't know >_>'') but yea, it was awesome just catching up with them. and honestly i love talkin to them. haha got laughs and got some serious talk but all in all it was good :)

thanks for everything, i love my friends

the tears kept coming, even though today is no longer yesterday.
i cried in the shower, i cried at church.
but i'm not going to give in.
i love this song. thanks for everything God.

Rescue - Desperation Band

You are the source of the life
I can’t be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There’s no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace

I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEO12GqfKPM

valentines

it's sad when something doesn't work out. i think secretly i didnt want it to work out, but it really sucks having to deal with it... considering now we cant even talk. it's like im not allowed to talk to you at all. im sorry that i cried, and the more i think about how being friends isn't really possible for us, it hurts even more and the tears cant seem to stop. maybe im just dumb and stupid, but i cant believe i'm crying over a guy.. again. no matter what, i liked you. but reality was that we were really different and making it work would've both made us hurt and get angry and fight. it's good we figured it out, but still it really sucks to know that as of now, we both won't ever be.. anything at all. it's like a flood in my eyes, and the tears just keep pouring down.

i miss you
i'll miss what we had
thanks bubu bear

but i just can't seem to stop myself from crying

just wondering

sometimes i really wonder how it would have been for us if you and me had worked out. if all this time we had made it through, i'm pretty sure we would love each other by now. if i think back and count the months, we would have hit 9 months and a bit more. 

we are still on and off, and yea, i miss you every now and then. sometimes i would hear a song and be reminded of you. i wonder how you are. 

a week back you were mad at me, and then suddenly we were on a break, as 'friends'. it really makes me want to know why we just can't seem to be okay. why we can't honestly be friends. i guess deep down inside me and you never really ended the chapter. it just seems like it trailed off in a 'to be continued' moment. you messaged me a few days back, and we seemed okay again, you used a smiley face haha. that's how i determine if you're still mad at me or not, so i guess you are no longer upset. but... i feel afraid, maybe it is best if we did have some distance. i'm not entirely sure. then there is this whole '25 things people dont know about me' that's going around, and you tagged me as one of the 25 people that's suppose to respond to it. why me? i honestly wonder. 

do you know that currently i have a chance of starting a new relationship with someone really different and someone i think will change me for better... but i'm afraid to start it and it's partially due to the fact that our relationship is still messy. i'm afraid to have a new boyfriend because i'm afraid of what you will think, of how you will react, and what we will become. would we truly become friends ? or would we not talk because it would be awkward...? i really dont know. 

things are complicated between us, a bit too messy perhaps. cleaning up could mean saying goodbye for a very long time, and i'm not sure if i want to risk it. you know so much about me, and i know so much about you. we click, we connect, we both feel. and maybe it's just how i'm feeling right now... but i do truly miss you. i hope you're well. 

BLARRJJJJ

im so tired of life. 

maybe im saying this cuz i just went to the pool. 

but just in general... im really tired. 

life's been busy. filled with assignments and tests, 

friendships and fun.

i dont seem to have the time to calm down and just take life slow.

i'll admit im probably like this cuz im slightly upset 

and what i found out. 

about how curtis is just being curtis

how i got carried away in thought. 

and you know what, i'll just leave us be. 

we're good the way we are.

i think we both like it like that...

but yea, still affected and im being gay and down about it.

well life's weird right? 

panda and bear probably wont work out. 

well.. who knows....

i certianly do not. 

blarrjjjj 

panda and bear ♥

rambling of words

there's just so much on my mind that i dont even really know where to start but i guess i'll just spew it out all at once. i feel so desperate and sad. it feels like im on my knees trying to grab and hold on to whatever is in sight. am i too clingy? i've made some new friends recently but it's like im sticking to them, seeing them at least once a day. im always afraid that they'll find me annoying and i really dont want that. then... on the other hand, there are those who i've lost now. once upon a time so important to me - to us. and now ... we're so distant. 

to doug, i really really loved you. you were like a true brother to me. you could make my day so bright so easily and yet you could break it just as well. thanks for the good times. we don't even talk anymore, always too busy right? i tried my best but getting hurt seems so stupid if it happens every time i try. 

to calvun, im really sorry. i know i've hurt you bad. i want to make it up to you...but i guess we're going through one of the time periods where we are mad at each other again. and yesterday, when i said sorry... you were so dry. do you know it really hurts? i couldn't say anything anymore. is it over? is this how it ends between us? you're an important brother to me too... i know i messed up. i was being stupid and selfish, and didnt think of you. but... it really hurts. 

to chester, thanks for being there. i know our friendship has long died off. you've found new friends and you stick to them. sometimes i really wonder what our friendship meant to you. it seemed like i was the only one trying to keep it alive. i honestly thot our friendship would last a lifetime. that time me you and doug, were sitting in the park. discussing whether we would stay friends for a long time. doug and i said yes, but i guess you weren't really sure. you said you would like to, but if you dont even try chester! then what are true friends to you? i really wonder.

well.. tears can only be held in for so long. i know one day it's gonna explode and im going to cry and cry and cry. im gonna be alone and im gonna cry myself to sleep. but im alive right, so i gota keep going. being weak will make  be stronger. so i got to have faith. keep living.

i just spent the past few minutes reading my past blogs. 

came across the one about elison's birthday "day" and.. 

its one of the days i could never forget. 

i read bak now and i cant believe that those good old days are over. they will be memories and it seems that those moments are gone cant be relived no more. i miss them so much. stepping forward is hard... sighz* maybe i should just say goodbye.

dirt-stained

somehow it seems like im being swallowed up. im super sensitive to what people say to me. my emotions are uncontrollable. i feel so desperate and needy its making me annoyed and upset at my own self. these lungs of mine are already dirt-stained just like my stupid life. i dont know what's wrong with me anymore. i'm confusing myself. i'm not happy anymore. i really don't like what i've done.. too many stupid spontaneous decisions. i want to go bak to loo asap. at least i can distract myself there with school work and other things. save me..