rambling of words

there's just so much on my mind that i dont even really know where to start but i guess i'll just spew it out all at once. i feel so desperate and sad. it feels like im on my knees trying to grab and hold on to whatever is in sight. am i too clingy? i've made some new friends recently but it's like im sticking to them, seeing them at least once a day. im always afraid that they'll find me annoying and i really dont want that. then... on the other hand, there are those who i've lost now. once upon a time so important to me - to us. and now ... we're so distant. 

to doug, i really really loved you. you were like a true brother to me. you could make my day so bright so easily and yet you could break it just as well. thanks for the good times. we don't even talk anymore, always too busy right? i tried my best but getting hurt seems so stupid if it happens every time i try. 

to calvun, im really sorry. i know i've hurt you bad. i want to make it up to you...but i guess we're going through one of the time periods where we are mad at each other again. and yesterday, when i said sorry... you were so dry. do you know it really hurts? i couldn't say anything anymore. is it over? is this how it ends between us? you're an important brother to me too... i know i messed up. i was being stupid and selfish, and didnt think of you. but... it really hurts. 

to chester, thanks for being there. i know our friendship has long died off. you've found new friends and you stick to them. sometimes i really wonder what our friendship meant to you. it seemed like i was the only one trying to keep it alive. i honestly thot our friendship would last a lifetime. that time me you and doug, were sitting in the park. discussing whether we would stay friends for a long time. doug and i said yes, but i guess you weren't really sure. you said you would like to, but if you dont even try chester! then what are true friends to you? i really wonder.

well.. tears can only be held in for so long. i know one day it's gonna explode and im going to cry and cry and cry. im gonna be alone and im gonna cry myself to sleep. but im alive right, so i gota keep going. being weak will make  be stronger. so i got to have faith. keep living.