just wondering

sometimes i really wonder how it would have been for us if you and me had worked out. if all this time we had made it through, i'm pretty sure we would love each other by now. if i think back and count the months, we would have hit 9 months and a bit more. 

we are still on and off, and yea, i miss you every now and then. sometimes i would hear a song and be reminded of you. i wonder how you are. 

a week back you were mad at me, and then suddenly we were on a break, as 'friends'. it really makes me want to know why we just can't seem to be okay. why we can't honestly be friends. i guess deep down inside me and you never really ended the chapter. it just seems like it trailed off in a 'to be continued' moment. you messaged me a few days back, and we seemed okay again, you used a smiley face haha. that's how i determine if you're still mad at me or not, so i guess you are no longer upset. but... i feel afraid, maybe it is best if we did have some distance. i'm not entirely sure. then there is this whole '25 things people dont know about me' that's going around, and you tagged me as one of the 25 people that's suppose to respond to it. why me? i honestly wonder. 

do you know that currently i have a chance of starting a new relationship with someone really different and someone i think will change me for better... but i'm afraid to start it and it's partially due to the fact that our relationship is still messy. i'm afraid to have a new boyfriend because i'm afraid of what you will think, of how you will react, and what we will become. would we truly become friends ? or would we not talk because it would be awkward...? i really dont know. 

things are complicated between us, a bit too messy perhaps. cleaning up could mean saying goodbye for a very long time, and i'm not sure if i want to risk it. you know so much about me, and i know so much about you. we click, we connect, we both feel. and maybe it's just how i'm feeling right now... but i do truly miss you. i hope you're well.